Silence can look like listening.
Sometimes it is. Sometimes it is simply waiting.
Several books in my library describe listening as much more active than not interrupting. James Petersen emphasizes that listening gives us access to another person’s experience. Heather Holleman connects curiosity with believing that other people carry experiences and insight worth discovering. J.R. Briggs points toward the relational power of questions followed by sustained attention.
The common thread is that listening should make understanding possible.
That creates a harder standard than politeness.
Did I hear the words?
Did I understand what those words meant to this person?
Did I notice the feeling or experience underneath them?
Can I reflect back what I heard without immediately correcting it?
Am I willing to discover that my first interpretation was incomplete?
I can listen courteously without allowing another person to affect me. Real listening is riskier. Their story may complicate my categories. Their experience may expose something I missed. Their question may make my answer less satisfying.
That does not mean every conversation should change my conclusion.
But I increasingly think good listening should at least leave me changeable.
Otherwise I may have heard sound without receiving another person.
Source trail: James C. Petersen, Why Don’t We Listen Better?; Heather Holleman, The Six Conversations; J.R. Briggs, The Art of Asking Better Questions.